Fifth-year seniors are the butt of many jokes, however, being in college for an extra year has its advantages.
While it’s a bummer that most of my friends have already graduated and are now looking for jobs, on the bright side, I’ve managed to avoid that unpleasant task for another year.
Even though it sucks to not afford decent groceries, which means I have to eat whatever can of soup is on sale at Safeway for dinner, at least I’m in a place where it’s acceptable to use the money I save from eating crappy food to buy booze instead.
It also sucks I had to borrow even more money this year from my parents in order to pay for the never-ending increases to tuition. My only hope is that one day I will have President Floyd’s salary, so I will be able to pay my parents back when they are old and decrepit.
Another perk about having been in college longer than a person should be is that I’ve acquired a lot of useless college knowledge.
For example, I’ve learned that the smell coming from some fraternities and apartments that makes you feel like you’ve been slapped in the face with a dirty sock is actually a mixture of Axe, fermented beer and dirty laundry.
Also, don’t expect the smell to go away as the year goes on, in fact, it gets worse. My advice is to hold your breath and walk as fast as possible past it. Or just avoid the area altogether.
When walking through College Hill, watch your step. For some reason, people don’t pick up their dog’s poop very often.
If your parents surprise visit you, take all your dirty laundry and hide it inside your closet. Then force them to take you out to dinner and buy you groceries.
When it rains in Pullman, it also gets windy. So unless you want to look like the idiot with an inside-out umbrella, wear a raincoat instead.
Don’t miss an exam. If you have an exam early in the morning, set your alarm. In fact, set three alarms because your professor won’t care that you stayed up until 4 a.m. studying, which then caused you to oversleep.
If you are sensitive to the scents of perfume and hairspray, don’t walk behind groups of girls during recruitment week.
In the winter when it snows, everything gets icy so expect to fall at least once in the time you’re here. Also, if you laugh at someone who slips and falls, just know that the ice karma is now out to get you.
Wild parties are a terrible way to meet your future boyfriend. This is a reoccurring mistake for many freshman girls, so beware.
If you eat bad food, drink alcohol and don’t work out, you will get fat. Unless you have Katy Perry’s metabolism, you will gain the freshman 15 or the sophomore 30 if you don’t take care of yourself.
Also, if you don’t do your laundry, no one will. Unless your roommate is your mother or you like wearing dirty clothes, you need to learn how to use a washing machine.
Each class credit costs about $400. So if you fail a 3-credit class, congratulations, you’ve just wasted $1,200.
If you break the law, don’t get caught. While this is advice that should be adopted in your life in general, it is especially important for law-breakers younger than 21 years old in Pullman. MIPs are expensive and result in court dates, fines and big problems with the university.