Just in time for the blossoming of springtime romance, the “Colfax Cuddler” — a man who believes a restraining order is simply a way of playing hard to get — will dispense his always potent advice to those of you just begging for it (the advice, I mean).
So, let’s see what’s cookin’ in the ol’ mailbag so we can forget about the illogical metaphor and overuse of apostrophes in this sentence:
Dear Colfax Cuddler,
There’s this girl in my anthropology class I really like, but I’m struggling to find the nerve to consistently talk to her. How can I be more confident in my interactions with her?
Well, my good man, confidence is a problem many nice guys struggle with. And as you know, the saying goes that nice guys finish last. And as you also know, it says in the Bible that the meek shall inherit a cold, desolate loneliness full of late-night TV, pints of Haagen-Dazs and at least half a dozen unneutered cats.
So what you need to remember is to make solid eye contact with her when you’re talking, listening or pretending to listen to her.
And don’t just look at her normally either. You need to stare intensely, as if you are peering directly into the deepest confines of her very soul.
Q: Are you sure? That seems kind of creepy to me.
A: Trust me! I’m telling you, she’ll be captivated by your ocular intensity, and once her womanly desires overcome her, you’ll…
Q: Look dude, I have a friend who did that to a girl one time at a party, and she ended up calling the police. Again, I’m not sure…
Okay, next question!
Dear Colfax Cuddler,
I asked this cute guy out after a friend dared me to do it, but he turned me down because we barely know each other. I’m really attracted to him though, and want to date him. How can I get to know him better so that he might say yes?
-You Don’t Know Me
Getting to genuinely know someone can be tough in the often overwhelming busy-ness of college life, but it’s a must if you’re truly interested in a relationship. Therefore, you’ll need to conduct some pre-dating research in order to find out as much as you can about this handsome piece of manflesh.
I suggest a thorough background check through the Department of Homeland Security. If he has any sort of criminal background or is involved in any illicit trading activities (such as selling black market copies of “The Hunger Games” in the basement of the Terrell library), you’ll see it in the report.
If the report is clean, you’ll want to ask him lots of questions whenever you talk with him. Here are some sample questions to try:
- Do you want to go on a date with me?
- If so, would now be a good time?
- If not, do you have any attractive friends?
- Would they be interested in dating me?
Regardless of his answers, I applaud you for wanting to ask him out again. Being persistent is a good trait to have, not just for relationships but for life in general. After all, as the old saying goes, “A quitter never wins but a stalker goes to jail.”
Dear Colfax Cuddler,
My girlfriend and I have been having a lot of arguments lately, but neither of us wants to break up. She suggested relationship counseling, but I can’t see myself sitting there talking about intimate feelings with some shrink. How can we get through this rough patch and stay together without resorting to professional help?
-Honey, I Shrunk Our Romance
A wise man once said relationships are like roller coasters—some are exhilarating thrill rides you don’t want to end, while others are endlessly bumpy attractions that eventually make you so nauseous you vomit all over your friends. I don’t know which one you’ve got, but most romances do go through adverse times.
It may help to remember that open communication, withholding judgment and overall conflict resolution are critical components of healthy relationships. It may also help to remember the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” present in unhealthy relationships—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
If none of this works for you, counseling may be the only answer left. Or, you might simply choose to remember the “The Final Judgment” of the unhealthy relationship:
Being banished to the couch forever.
Sincerely, the "Colfax Cuddler."