Perfect hamburgers

Yes, the frozen pre-made patties at Walmart are technically hamburgers when cooked. Yes, they’re inexpensive and come in packs of a thousand. But eating one of those when you have the recipe for the God of all hamburgers is sacrilege. I’d tell you the real name of this hamburger but it’d be taking the Lord’s name in vain. And the God of burgers wouldn’t like that.

For these bad boys you don’t necessarily need a grill. Yes, you’ll achieve pro status if you cook them on the grill, but because the weather decided to take a turn from that of Satan’s butthole to Antarctica in a bikini, a George Forman grill can do in a pinch.

What you’ll need:

• 1 egg, beaten
• 3/4 cup dry bread crumbs
• 3 tablespoons evaporated milk
• 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
• 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 2 cloves garlic, minced

1. Preheat grill for high heat … or turn on your George Forman. I won’t tell.
2. In a large bowl mix the ground beef, egg, bread crumbs, evaporated milk, Worcestershire sauce, cayenne pepper, and garlic using your hands. That’s right, your hands. We’re having a caveman moment together. Form the meaty mixture into eight hamburger patties.
3. Lightly oil the grill grate. Grill patties five minutes per side or until they’re well done. None of that pink in the middle BS. You’ll just get food poisoning.