There is an affliction on campus that is spreading like wildfire, and I am not talking about influenza or antibiotic resistant flesh eating bacteria.
UVU syndrome (prounounced you-vee-you), or Unintentionally Visible Undergarment syndrome, plagues women everywhere. Recently, there has been an especially devastating outbreak in Pullman.
The late stages of the syndrome can last all day, involving complete embarrassment and total loss of modesty. The worst part about this silent menace is that you may not even know you have it.
The symptoms of this affliction are varied but easy to recognize.
UVU can be characterized by the bestowing upon the general public the power of X-ray vision.
Affected individuals choose to wear leggings, made of thin fabric, that are not opaque enough to be worn as pants. When the legs stretch the fabric by bending over or even just by walking, everyone in the immediate vicinity can clearly see the skin or undergarment underneath.
Women with UVU also wear knit shirts made of woven cotton that do not fit correctly around the chest. When mixed with sunlight or the flash from a camera, the bra of the affected individual is completely exposed. In both of these cases, fabric is stretched to the point of complete transparency.
Another symptom affects the region of the brain that controls common sense. When getting dressed in the morning, some women with UVU seem to exhibit trouble decided which undergarments are appropriate.
For example, those affected may think it is acceptable to wear black bras underneath white shirts. UVU clouds the mind, leading women to believe that the lines created on the buttocks by of their full coverage underwear are not visible through their yoga pants and leggings.
Perhaps the most interesting symptom of UVU is the development of human animal hybrids, characterized specifically by the development of non-human animal appendages.
Affected individuals may develop a “whale tale,” created by the y-shape of a thong undergarment riding above the waistband of their low rise jeans.
Women with UVU may also develop the phenomenon known as the “camel toe” when yoga pants and leggings ride up in the pelvic region. While it is not necessary to go into detail about this specific symptom, it is perhaps the most revealing and embarrassing of them all.
Other symptoms may include a large visible crack appearing on the lower half of the body upon sitting. This phenomenon, while not considered to involve visible undergarments, is classified in the same symptom family.
There is no vaccine or over-the-counter miracle pill to guard you from falling victim to UVU syndrome. The only way to protect yourself is through awareness.
Get yourself tested. Ask a girlfriend, “Is this see-through?” There are also simple tests one can perform in the sanctity of their home. Before you walk out the door, scrutinize yourself in a mirror to check for any unwanted transparency.
Do not wait until it is too late. When you stand up, pull down leggings and yoga pants. When you sit down, pull up your pants and pull down your shirt. Immediate treatment of symptoms is essential for the speedy recovery of your modesty.
If simple preventative steps are taken, the human race may live to see the end of UVU syndrome everywhere.