Now that most college men are done engaging in the Unabomber look-alike contest known as “No Shave November,” it’s time to turn our collective attention to that next great follicle festival: National Bad Hair Day.
For those who are unfamiliar with this holiday, it will occur this Thursday, Dec. 8, following in the footsteps of other notable hair-based holidays like Mullet Awareness Week, International Back Hair Day and Toupee Awareness Month.
Despite the fact that National Bad Hair Day is a day after one of the most somber anniversaries our nation observes in Pearl Harbor Day, I don’t really think bad hair serves as a subtle metaphor for our nation’s entry to World War II.
It simply makes December a little less depressing.
National Bad Hair Day is an amazing opportunity of a day, showcasing human hair in its natural state. The kind of day where you can celebrate the cowlick. The kind of day when it’s perfectly acceptable to wake up looking like you slept with Don King’s hairstylist and then walking out the door without doing anything about it.
It also serves as an PSA of sorts, a reminder that you should invest—if you haven’t already—in a mirror, a comb and some type of adhesive hair product (whether spray, gel or, in Mitt Romney’s case, formaldehyde).
I personally haven’t had too many bad hair days. Of course, neither do bald people. But that’s not the point. The point is that you have an excellent opportunity to showcase just how terrible your hair can be, and you should take it.
For starters, you should take the “official” National Bad Hair Day questionnaire. Here is a sample question:
1) Today, your hair is so bad that:
A) A family of magpies has decided to nest in it
B) Donald Trump’s combover called and congratulated you
C) You are legally required to stay 250 yards from a light socket
Another thing you can do is go to intellicast.com’s health section and click on a map of the US that shows where “weather will impact hair for the current day.” It includes a color-coded “frizz factor” scale ranging from one to 10, so you can find a location where your bad hair can be aided by Mother Nature.
One of my favorite “bad” hairstyles to see is the mohawk, where a sizable strip of hair is left on the center of the head and can often be accompanied by gelled spikes large and sharp enough to shish kebab small animals.
There are many variants of the mohawk, including the inverse mohawk, the mohawk helicopter and the Stephenmohawking, the latter of which has the hair representing an abstract vision of the universe.
One thing to remember this Bad Hair Day is that bad hair on people can often be viewed in different ways. In the case of Albert Einstein, for instance, it can make you look like a frazzled genius. In the case of Phil Spector (literally), it can prove to a jury that you are probably crazy.
Many of the world’s dictators have also been known as much for their bad hair as their ruthless oppression. Adolf Hitler and North Korea’s Kim Jong II top most people’s lists.
We’ve seen this displayed even more recently.
When Muammar Gaddafi was captured by rebels in Libya without his trademark headwear, the entire world could see, even via crappy cell phone video, that he was sporting a bald spot the size of Algeria.
Finally, because it’s December, some connection here must be made here to Christmas.
After all, who can forget 1971, when Santa tried the unfortunate combo of dressing up like Jerry Garcia and spray-painting the reindeer in tie-dye (this was also the same year the unfortunate chimney acid-drop incident occurred, but that’s another story).
So, this National Bad Hair Day, be bold and be bad.
Because if I get out of bed Thursday morning looking like a Nick Nolte mugshot, I’m not gonna change a thing.