Former Vice President Dick Cheney releases his autobiography this week titled “In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir.” Speaking about the book in an exclusive “Dateline” interview Cheney said, “There are gonna be heads exploding all over Washington.” Exploding heads happens to be something Cheney has a lot of experience with, so I am going to take his word for this.
For one memoir to stir up such controversy, there must be some really juicy revelations in it. That is why, on the eve of the book’s release, I have compiled a list of my top ten predictions as to what insights to Cheney’s life will be revealed.
Launch codes: Cheney will admit he still has access to all the nuclear launch codes. I am not just talking about the U.S. nuclear launch codes, but access to all the nuclear warheads around the world. You will just have to read the book to find out how he got them all and how he plans to use them.
Cloning: Cheney will reveal he has numerous clones of himself grown from DNA samples. He uses these clones in order to harvest their organs and skin tissue for whenever he suffers another in a long-line of medical emergencies.
JFK: He will explain his involvement around the events that occurred on November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas.
Vampire: Cheney will admit he is a vampire. Not just any vampire, but the infamous Count Dracula. He prefers, however, to go by his high school nickname of Vlad the Impaler. He will then discuss his disapproval of how Twilight portrays vampires and it will mark the only time I have ever agreed with the former vice president.
Jimmy Hoffa: The location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body will finally be revealed. Did you seriously think that 2006 hunting accident was the first time Cheney shot a guy in the face? Speaking of which, this leads me to my next prediction …
Gangster: Cheney will detail his early career as a gangster. He will describe his rise through the ranks of organized crime, eventually becoming a mob boss. Cheney will claim he was the original basis for the character of Vito Corleone from “The Godfather.”
Reagan = Communist: Cheney will unveil the results of years of research that proves that former President Ronald Reagan was actually a high-ranking member of the Communist conspiracy. Cheney’s research will prove that Reagan successfully infiltrated the highest level of the U.S. government working as a double agent. In the end, however, Reagan’s own incompetence not only failed to destroy America, but in turn destroyed the power of his Communist leaders. Thus, Reagan can still be known as the man who brought down the Soviet Union.
Husky Fan: Cheney will admit his fondness for the UW athletic department. Clearly, the man’s depravity knows no bounds.
Tainted Love: Cheney’s secret, lusty relationship with Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., will finally be revealed. All the torrid details of their hidden love affair will be open to the public, including the three-way they once had with Sen. Joe Lieberman, I-Conn. You now have that image ingrained in your mind for all eternity.
Time Lord: Cheney will reveal himself to be an evil Time Lord who calls himself The Master. He will admit to disguising himself as a human in order to enact his secret plan for world domination. His plan, however, was foiled by a mysterious, elusive figure known only as The Doctor.
Or maybe Cheney will just write about his secret resignation letter, or endorse waterboarding or how he urged President George W. Bush to bomb Syria. Those are much more plausible revelations that he has already admitted will be in the book. Frankly, I would not call any of those especially head exploding.
But I can dream, can’t I?