As Washington’s budget crisis continues to cut even further into the state’s education system, there can be but one thought on the minds of many students: What is the best way to sell my body for money?
Besides this, though, is an even more important question – what can be done to curb rising educational costs while preventing more cutbacks?
Well, many imaginary fans of my column have emailed me about this with all kinds of suggestions for helping ease the burden, including but not limited to the following:
“Hold more fundraisers to help save programs.”
“Give plasma to cover additional costs.”
“Write some protest songs.”
“Set fire to the governor’s mansion.”
“I am Khuluga Whamataba from Itsnotascam, Nigeria. An inheritance of 1.2 million U.S. dollars will be yours if you just include your bank account information.”
“Increase the size of your penis TODAY with…”
Okay, that’s enough email suggestions for now.
Of course I, too, have been pondering, pontificating, plotting and doing other things that start with the letter “p” in order to generate a surefire way of easing the financial strain currently facing educational institutions. And all that has led me to one solution.
We need product placement in K-12 textbooks, with large percentages of corporate profits going to education.
Now, I know you’re probably sitting there, or standing there, or doing the “Blooming Lotus” yoga position, seething with uncontrollable rage about the idea of inundating young minds with even more advertising in a world awash with it, especially when they’re in such a vulnerable place as a learning environment.
But let’s face facts. These kids aren’t spending hundreds of dollars on textbooks like college students are, and most of them are already used to advertising inundation considering how much time they spend surfing the web and watching TV.
In fact, I think ads would actually help kids better relate to their coursework and be more engaged. Here are some examples from a U.S. history textbook.
OLD TEXTBOOK: In 1794, Eli Whitney invented the Cotton Gin.
NEW TEXTBOOK: In 1794, Eli Whitney invented the Cotton “The Fabric of Our Lives”® Gin.
OLD: It was in this speech that Teddy Roosevelt first uttered the phrase, “Speak softly and carry a big stick—you will go far.”
NEW:It was in this speech that Teddy Roosevelt first uttered the phrase, “Speak softly and carry a Louisville Slugger® Adult Wood Bat—you will probably be left alone by people.”
OLD: President Nixon had secretly recorded thousands of hours of Oval Office conversations.
NEW: President Nixon had secretly recorded thousands of hours of Oval Office conversations using Memorex™ tapes.
Discussion question: Was it live, or was it Memorex™?
See how much good this could do? Sure, we might be twisting the truth here, but who doesn’t these days?
I mean, when our legislature is ordering more cuts, something has to be done to save our students’ future, even if that future consists mostly of remembering advertising slogans.
These books could even be made interactive. For instance, for the section on Margaret Sanger and the women’s birth control movement, an Ortho Tri-Cyclen® pill could be included, attached somewhere on the page.
I can imagine a lot of companies willing to jump on board with my idea, even perhaps sponsoring certain sections of textbooks. Imagine reading about the Bigelow® Teapot Dome Scandal, or the repealing of Prohibition, brought to you by Budweiser®, orThe Cold War, sponsored by Smirnoff® Premium Vodka?
The possibilities are endless and the financial rewards bountiful.
As long as they don’t mention Mitsubishi® when the section about Pearl Harbor comes up.