It’s Valentine’s Day again, and that can only mean one thing: Spending your remaining financial aid checks at a Spokane strip club and crying every time you get a lap dance.
Or maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, Feb. 14 is not just for the hand-in-hand and tongue-in-mouth lovers or those seeking passion from strangers they can insert dollar bills into. It is also a holiday known as Singles Awareness Day, and so it’s important for all you single folk to not be discouraged.
After all, as Willie Nelson once sang, “There are worse things than being alone.” Granted, he was probably high as a stratospheric weather balloon when he penned those lyrics, but they are nonetheless true.
Because if you’re a convicted murderer in a federal penitentiary, chances are you’d kill again just to escape your cellmate’s not-so-fond caresses.
But that is not my point.
My point is, not unlike myself, well endowed, and I—the man they call the “Colfax Cuddler,” “Albion Amorizer” and “Pullman Pimp”—wish to help those struggling to find that perfect, soul-sucking mate who will slowly smother your lifelong dreams like the scent of stinky cabbage left too long in the crisping bin of your refrigerated heart.
Let’s start by metaphorically tapping the ol’ advice bag mail-thingy to seek what desperate saps are in need of advice:
Q: Hi, I’m a guy that often “hits it off” with the ladies and then can never seem to “seal the deal.” Any suggestions for helping me actually take a girl home?
Well Frankie, your plight is one that many a man has dealt with throughout time. As Shakespeare himself once wrote, “To flirt without victory doth dissatisfy thy manly temperaments.”
Which is why I suggest roofies.
Haha, no! That is only a joke. I would never advocate for such a despicable, anti-consent product. Which is why I instead suggest any number of powerful black market sedatives, including the always effective Russian tranquilizer “Purple Squirrel.” I hook you up if you want.
Q: Hi, my boyfriend is really into music and I want to make him a romantic playlist for our evening. Any suggestions on how to hit the right notes for him?
Well Helen, nothing says true love like a romantic ballad. For instance, you might try to find your boyfriend’s favorite love song, a song that you and he both love, or simply a timeless classic such as Nat King Cole’s “L-O-V-E”:
I think I need to let it loose
Let her loose, let her loooooose
She only want me for my pimp juice
Not my pimp juice, I'm talkin new pimp juice
Ah…looks like someone mixed up Nat King Cole and Nelly in the ol’ music library. It is, after all, such an easy mistake to make. My sincere apologies.
Another thing that might be on many of your minds is how I—a good-smelling, smooth-talking, fast-walking, notepad-scribbling man—celebrate this most hormone-crazed of affairs.
Well, as a member of the Edward R. Murrow School of Communication, I’ll admit I’ve been taught how to celebrate Valentine’s Day right.
We journalists spend our long evening with passionate words and red-hot correcting pens, vigorously inserting copy-editing symbols before finally lighting up a cigarette and asking our speechless copy, “Was it good for you, too?”
Then we cap off the evening with a viewing of the sultry, award-winning 1960 Murrow documentary on the plight of the adult film industry, “Cleavage of Shame.” Ed gets into some pretty suggestive eyebrow furrowing in that one.
I know by now that if you’re still reading this, you’re probably single, or waiting for an appointment, or about to set fire to a picture of your ex. And that’s okay. Even if you’re not ready for love by Feb. 14, you’ll be happy to know that February is rife with romantic undertones.
It is not only American Heart Month, but also Creative Romance Month, Human Relations Month (as opposed to non-human relations?), and most romantic of all, Canned Food Month, which was immortalized in the classic Al Green song “Your Asparagus (Makes Me Want to Pop My Lid).”
So know that many more opportunities, despite possible loneliness tonight, exist for you to find true love.
If you need any more advice, just give me a call. I’ll be up in Spokane, most likely at “Busty McAnderson’s Strip Club and Steak House.”