The fact that WSU has more freshmen this year than the cast of “Jersey Shore” has STIs means there are many people on campus who have yet to experience the pleasure of drinking in public without the paranoia of possibly being caught.
As someone who is older than 21, I’d like to share some advice so those not yet old enough to frequent bars will know what they’re in for when they finally turn the big “2-1” and get to make their“21 run,” which hopefully will not end in a law enforcement official saying “10-4” into his radio as he puts you into the back of his patrol car.
Anyway, here’s what I think you minors should know about being in a bar:
1) It will be very difficult to carry on an understandable and logical conversation
This is because nearly all bars—when they are not empty—tend to get very loud, and when you’re also drinking a lot, conversations with buddies don’t get any clearer. In fact, they begin to sound like the more garbled sections of the Watergate tapes:
YOU: So, I have to say, I think your sister’s pretty cute. Is she single?
YOUR FRIEND: Well, yeah! I mean (unintelligible) chinchillas (unintelligible) $10,000
(unintelligible) FBI (unintelligible) Cambodia (unintelligible) house arrest (unintelligible)
Harry Potter, right? Hahaha!
2) You will probably get hit on by someone.
This is nearly a given, especially if you are female and more attractive than the Elephant Man. You can be sure that if the bar is crowded, and you hang around long enough, especially toward closing time, someone who’s had way more rum-filled drinks than you will stumble up, breath smelling like a Captain Morgan bottling plant, and ramble something to the effect of “Hey, baby, [insert double entendre here].” However, to you it will sound more like “Hey, baby, Bwaaalllamalaneesefoodle?”
And then they will probably vomit on the bar surface.
3) Be careful and remember who your friends are.
It’s very easy to lose perspective regarding who you should or should not trust when you’re drinking. Enough booze can make that cool dude you just met an hour and three mixed drinks ago seem like an old friend from high school, but beware.
If you decide to leave the bar with this man and his “brahs,” only to wake up the next morning in a wheat field 20 miles outside of Colfax, naked, covered in maple syrup and handcuffed to what would appear to be the front bumper of your car, chances are these gentlemen are not really your friends.
4) Forget the Fake I.D.
I know a lot of you out there probably don’t care to wait until you ripen to the legal drinking age and have already gone to bars using the infamous fake ID (which Freud famously theorized as meaning that the unconscious wants to get drunk with someone’s mom).
Usually, these IDs are very poor. A friend once showed me her fake ID, and I have to say it looked nothing like her. The checker of that ID would have needed to have either been in a dark room or possess the I.Q. of a squirrel to actually let her into any bar.
The point is that most establishments around here actually check your ID, gazing intensely at you and then your ID, as if they were trying to decipher some sort of ancient cave inscription. That means you’ll probably get caught with fake ones.
And by “fake ones,” I do mean IDs.